Business Writing Tips e-newsletter : September/October 2011

Choose compelling vs. ordinary text

Ordinary
We can do better than our competitors.

Compelling
We can outshine our competitors.

Ordinary
It's our goal to get twice as many revenues by Apr. 1.

Compelling
We want to double revenues by Apr. 1.

Ordinary
The CFO wants the staff to like the new payroll system.

Compelling
The CFO wants the staff to embrace the new payroll system.

When explaining problems, lose the drama and stick to the facts

Too much drama
The department was negligent in failing to maintain an adequate password policy, which could have caused a potentially devastating security threat of unauthorized access to private and possibly highly sensitive data, a situation that must be avoided.

Just the facts
The department lacks an adequate password policy, posing a threat to security from unauthorized access to private data.

Never write 2 sentences when 1 is enough

Wasted words & sentences
The executive team carefully reviewed the results of the marketing campaign, which by all accounts were disappointing. Therefore they decided to invest $8,000 in a series of email blasts.

More concise
Given the disappointing results of the marketing campaign, the executive team will invest $8,000 in a series of email blasts.

Find the grammar error!

Correct the error in the paragraph below and email us with "grammar" in the subject line. See the answer in our next issue.

ACB Corp. has decided to shut down several warehouses in the Midwest. These include a complex of five buildings in St. Louis, which have serious safety issues.

Answer from last issue

Thanks to rapid growth in the Southeast, our Atlanta office will hire 50 to 100 new employees in 2012. And, given the moderate growth in the Southwest, our Phoenix office will promote three people to senior manager and will hire 20 to 30 new employees.
(will hire in the first paragraph is consistent with will promote and will hire in the second paragraph)

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