Business Writing Tips e-newsletter : December 2010

For proposals, convey benefit immediately

To help distinguish yourself from competitors, write an opening paragraph that explains how your idea will produce specific results.

Dull, vague
We have extensive experience in the software industry, and our custom-designed sales training program will help your firm increase revenues.

Compelling, specific
With our extensive experience in the software industry, we can tailor a sales training program for your needs and help boost your revenues 35% within six months.

To motivate, focus on the positive

Negative
Our customer service rating remained stagnant in 2010, which is distressing. I think we'd better step up product education for our reps. This will hopefully stop this unfavorable trend and get us heading in the right direction, which could result in a 20% higher rating by May 1.

Positive
I suggest that we step up product education for our reps, which can increase our customer service rating 20% by May 1.

Make New Year's resolution: fewer words

Commit to writing more concisely in 2011 to come across more professionally.

Wordy
The new warehouse in Denver should result in a decrease in shipping costs. We expect the savings to be 50%.

Concise
The new warehouse in Denver should lower shipping costs by 50%.

Find the grammar error

Correct the error in the paragraph below and email Jack with "grammar" in the subject line. The answer will be published in the next issue.

By Jan. 20, please submit two 4- to 6-page individual performance reports detailing Monique and Ron's 2010 accomplishments.

Answer from Nov. issue

Incorrect
When I called the help desk Monday, the service rep's attitude was filled with arrogance and indifference. (Only a person can be filled with arrogance and indifference, not one's attitude.)

Correct (and more concise)
When I called the help desk Monday, the service rep was arrogant and indifferent.

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